Do you have a Redneck saying? Send it to us by using the
"Submit a Saying" page and it just might end up on our
website or in our next book!


JUST UPDATED WITH HUNDREDS OF NEW SAYINGS!

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree.
-- submitted by Rich Postma, Holland, MI

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.
-- submitted by Frances Wike, Houston, TX

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.
-- submitted by Sharla McGriff, Pine Blufff, AR

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.
-- submitted by Kyle Schellinger, Houston, TX

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.( bad shot)
-- submitted by Ryan, Lubbock, TX

I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.
-- submitted by Robert Lee, Rock Hill, SC

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.
-- submitted by Randy, Weslaco, TX

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse...'course, can't hurt none either.
-- submitted by Johnnie Paul Elliot, Dallas, TX

I'd love to have a dress just like that,
but I don't go to many Puerto Rican proms.

-- submitted by Frances Wike, Houston, TX

Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.
-- submitted by Kristopher Izzi, Indianapolis, IN

He's so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands.
-- submitted by Stephanie, Las Vegas, NV

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
-- submitted by Keith, Los Angeles, CA

That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.
Nuttier than a Squirrel turd.
-- submitted by David Easter, Park Hills, MO

I'd rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a
5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than...
-- submitted by T. Harris, Hope, IN

You catch more flies with jam than you do with vinegar.
-- submitted by Richard, Chesterfield, Derbyshire, England

As easy as herding chickens.
-- submitted by JignPig, Dallas, TX

Richer than 3 feet up a bull's ass (bull manure is expecially good fertilizer).
-- submitted by Jim Muehlhausen, Sacramento, CA

Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.
-- submitted by C.P., Freeport, MA

I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!
-- submitted by Donald McAteer, Donegal

She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's
wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
-- submitted by Heather Boles, Ft. Worth, TX

She's as useful as a tit on a boar hog.
-- submitted by Chris Connor, Austin, TX

Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.
-- submitted by Anonymous, Ashland, KY

You're as handy as a cow on a crutch.
You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.
-- submitted by Jen McQueen, St. Thomas, VI

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her
neck to get the dogs to play her.
-- submitted by Jeanne, Richmond, VA

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.
-- submitted by Will and Christie Edwards, Anna, TX

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.
-- submitted by Bollox, Holland

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
-- submitted by Jimbo, Harbor Creek, PA

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.
-- submitted by Brandon Miller, Lexington, KY

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.
-- submitted by Joe Blow, T.O. Ontartio

Busier than a stump full of ants.
-- submitted by Forrest, Dayton, OH

That dawg won't hunt.
-- submitted by Ted, Norfolk, VA

It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.
-- submitted by Forrest, Dayton, OH

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.
-- submitted by Brandon K., Lubbock, TX

Here's a giant update of literally HUNDREDS of sayings that have been submitted over the last year and a half! And there's a lot more to come!

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.


What’s Up, Slick?

That’s slicker than greased goose shit.

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slicker than a minnow’s dick.

Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.

Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.


As slick as cat shit on linoleum.


Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a bananna tree.

That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.


You can’t have chicken salad without the chicken shit.

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

I hate his stomach for carrying his guts.

I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles in molasses fucking.

His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.

It's hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to  throw it out.

Ain't no hill, for a stepper.

I'm up to my ass in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

Funnier than a retard eatin hotwings.

That's so hard to do it'd be like trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doornob...everyone gets a turn.

That boy is as queer as a 3 dollar bill.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than goard guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for him.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever shit behind shoeleather.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

He's as nellie as pink ink.

That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

It was hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.

Let's make like a turd and hit the trail.

If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.

Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

It's hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock.

If i had swing like that i would ride it evey night.

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.

That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

I thought we were tighter than midget pussy.

His dick was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.

For hundreds more Redneck Sayings be sure to get our
book available in book stores everywhere and Amazon.com.

That makes my ass want a dip of snuff.

He's a nice enough guy, but I don't think he has enough chlorine in his gene pool.

That makes my ass draw up so tight you couldn't drive a toothpick through it with a sledgehammer.

I wouldn't have that in my ass if I had room for a drilling rig.

I'd rather be in hell with a broken back than (fill in the blank).

I wouldn't pay $50 to see a piss ant pull a freight train.

If he were to give a concert in my backyard, I'd pull the blinds.

It's colder than a nun's c--- on a ski slope.

That's handier than a pocket on a shirt.

Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.

I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

She's so ugly when she was a baby her mom fed her with a slingshot

That’s harder than a choir boy in a porn shop

Instead of sayin hey, save it you might marry an jackass one day!

It's colder than a whore's heart out there.

I'm happier than a punk in a pickle patch.

He's as sad as cucumber.

GO BACK OFF IN YOUR OWN JACK YARD!

Granny cooked enough supper to feed Pharoah's Army.

He couldn't hit the ground if he fell twice!

Busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers.

Madder than a pack of wild dogs on a three legged cat.

I'm so poor I've got to fart to have a cent.(scent)

WELL I BE JOHN BROWN.

Her jeans are so tight, you can see the veins in her ass!

if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt when he hops.

Back when men were men and women were proud of it.

You're swingin' like a wash woman.

Cornier than a corn field and half of it's owner's turds.

That fellers so dumb, he don't know sheep shit from cotton seed!

That's lower then quail shit in a wagon rut!

As poor as field mice.

Harder than a ministers prick.

Her behind looks like a couple of squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack.

That boy was shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles.

That truck couldn't pull a spoon out of a cats ASS!

WHEN IT'S RAINING HARD YOU SAY....IT'S COMIN' A TURD FLOATER!

She's got an ass like a ford 9".

He's dumber than two sacks of hair.

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your mockingbird butt.

I have three speeds: on, off, and don't push your luck.

You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle.

That boy ain't the smartest peanut in the turd.

She ain't too purdy, but she can cook like hell.

She's so hot I could jump on her like a rat on a chetto.

Whatever cranks your tractor.

Slicker than shit through a tin horn.

That’s about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!

I don’t understand, so I disagree.

Colder then day old penguin shit.

That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.

That would tear the twist in the back of your crutch out.

Sis on you Pister, you ain't so muckin' fuch!

Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!

If duct tape don't fix'r then you're not using enough duct tape.

About BBQ: if you go away clean you ain't eatin' it right.

WHY FART AND WASTE IT WHEN YOU CAN BURP AND TASTE IT?

She's faster than a striped assed ape.

That's LOWER then a mole's belly button on digging day!

He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.

He's the meanest SOB ever to shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

That's sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

If you can sleep with 'em, I can eat with 'em!

It's my Mother's fault. I was never like this 'till I was born.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

i'm so horney I'd do a snake if it didn't have teeth!!!

Your mother's so stupid, she thinks cheerios are donut seeds!

I'm so mad I could spit! (only ladies say this)

He jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.

That guy is as Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint.

your ugleir than a burning up donkey in the middle of winter

We was fishin' on that lake, an' it come up a cloud an' the bottom dropped out! (Interpretation: "We were fishing, and got caught in a downpour.")

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

Madder than a one legged woman at the ihop.

I’m having more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

Boy you got about as much sense as god gave a goose

The only thing that seperates you from White Trash is your rich husband!

Stick a paper umbrella up my butt and call me a hurricane.

If it can't be cooked with bacon grease, it ain't worth fixin', let alone eatin'.

Faster than a cat can lick its ass.

Warped like a dogs hind leg.

Well Hell yes it's hard for him to understand 'cause he's always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!

Slower than molassas runnin up hill in july

funnier then watchen a retard get laid

Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!

I'm so hungry my belly button is sticking out of my ass hole.

Well knock me down and steal my teeth!

He swapped legs with a jaybird and got cheated out o' a butt

It's hotter than a spanked baby's ass out here

You can't get blood from a turnip.

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of july. (Now that is pretty drunk)

That BBQ is tangier than my brother's cutoffs.

He's so scared you couldn't drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.

He's handier than a pocket on a shirt.

if i had that swing on my back porch id ride it every night.

CHAMPANE TASTE ON SODA POP SALARY.

My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to be drunk to brestfeed her!

I'm so poor if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickle I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.

It's Hotter n' hell's basement on the day of reckonin'.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handfull of rice!

He Was As Low As The Ex's Lawyer

It’s hotter than 4 or 5 fat bitches in an Escort

I'd rather have a sister actively serving in a whore house than....

slicker than a bald tire semi on a mile of wet asphalt.

He's slicker then the grease off a b-b-q biscuit.

faster than a bee stung stallion

When I first saw her my eye's bugged out like a stepped on toady frog!

She is slicker than cut okra in the sink

Your about as useful as a cocky (bird) crap on a pump handle (Australian Rednecks)

I felt like a monkey trying to do a math problem.

He'd tear up a steely ball with a rubber mallet.

That boy there is a poster child for birth control.

Why I'll slap you so hard you'll starve to death before you stop slidin'.

Why, it's so cold here...we got dogs stuck to fire hydrants all over town.

Boy, you best not be messin' with me; I'll slap some schtuff on your head ajax won't take off.

She one of those psycho women that are like havin' herpes.  You never get rid of 'em and they are a real pain

It's hotter'n an ol' settin' hen, settin' eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.

Boys, if I tell you a rooster can pull a wagon, hitch'em up. (Trust)

Don't sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things.

Candy is dandy but licker is quicker.

I'm hornier than a nine-dicked dawg in a kennel full o' bitches!

Well, butter my biscuits!

For hundreds more Redneck Sayings be sure to get our
book available in book stores everywhere and Amazon.com.

Wild as a March hare.

You shouldn't be huntin' anything smarter than you. Try huntin' worms.

Busier than a racoon in tall corn.

Her pants are so tight her butt looks like two pigeons trying to fight their way out of a toe sack.

You can see it clearer than balls on a tall dog!

That's messier than a menudo sandwich.

Dead as iced catfish!

His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when grocery shopping.

I'm hangin' in there like loose teeth.

He's like a fart in a skillet. (Wound up.)

Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.

I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

She's wilder than a fifth ace.

LOOK SHE'S AS GRACEFUL AS A SOW ON ICE.

If you ask kindly, I might could.

She'd bitch if her ice cream was cold.

He's about as funny as a piss ant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the bridge to open up!

He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.

I'm as giddy as a school girl on prom night.

Smaller than a tick turd.

Happier than a gopher in soft dirt.

Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.

You're so blind you would miss a crawdad playin' cards with Ray Charles.

Cool as a handjob on a honeymoon.

When it doubt, knock 'em out!

His family tree looks like a totem pole.

Her teeth are so bad, she could eat an apple through a picket fence.

I'm hotter than a tick on a dog's balls.

He’s about as useless as a restrictor plate.

Well don't just sit there like a knot on a log!

That won't last two foggy mornings.

If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

Like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

Hard liquor and a hammer oughta fix that

A cat always blinks when you hit it on the head with a sledgehammer.

The more you cry, the less you have to piss.

If it were up to me, I'd take Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company.

Sure, drinking kills brain cells - but only the weak ones.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

Slightly burned out, but still smokin'.

I'm mad enough to drown puppies.

Five gallons of shit in a 2 gallon bucket.

Just 'cause the cat had 'er kittens in the oven, don't make 'em biscuits! (referring to Yankees coming down south).

She's so skinny, she look's like a gut with the shit slug out of it.

Her mouth is going like a bell clappin out of a goose's ass.

I'll be dipped in bacon fat, before I do that.

He’s shakin’ like an old dog shittin’ logging chains.

Coffee in a can, sugar in a cup, poke her in the butt you wont knock her up.

That is harder to find than a white bean in a black cat's ass.

Wound tighter than a three day clock.

I was stuck hub deep to a ferris wheel.

Stuck so bad I had to get a four whell drive helicopter to pull my truck out!

Messed up like a kite in a hail storm!

Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard!

She was all over that like a bad rash on a big ass.

Busier than a blind dog in a meat house.

dumber then a coal bucket

I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll.

It's hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day.

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my brother.

I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage.

It's colder than a ...bankers' heart.

Riding in a car with a crazy driver..."I was chewin' buttonholes."

How are you driving? "I'm keepin' her between the ditches.

SCREAMED LIKE A MASHED CAT.

harder than a wedding dick.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with jock itch.

Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door.

'Bout as useful as a prefabricated post hole.

If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle.

Yer mouth runs like a boarding house toilet.

A gallant retreat is better than a bad stand.

High as giraffe nuts.

That's as hard as pickin’ the fly dung out of pepper.

Life is what you need, love is what you want.

That SOB has the nerve of a government mule.

I'm hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove.

That's just like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel.  There just ain't no end to it.

For hundreds more Redneck Sayings be sure to get our
book available in book stores everywhere and Amazon.com.

I'm not going to let this turn into a jack-off contest.

He's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.

That woman learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

I'm going to see to it that it happens, even if it harelips the governor.

I'll have my usual Mexican breakfast--a piss and a cigarette.

That kid ain't through climbing fool's hill yet.

I don't care how they handle it cause I ain't got no dog in this fight.

We'll have to save this argument until later when he's not loaded up on loudmouth soup.  (drinking)

After all you've had to drink, that will run through you like a dose of salts.

I've stepped over better than you looking for a place to jack off.

He's as broke as the Ten Commandments.

If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.

He wouldn't say "shit" if he had a mouthful of it.

As far as going out with him, I'd rather be in hell with a broken back and colon cancer.

Eisenhower won the election by such a landslide that when he died they were still picking gravel out of his ass.

She's put so many miles on that pussy that it's just hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

In those high heels, she looks mighty like a barrel on pegs.

Are those your thighs, or do you have on riding pants?

This is just like fucking a skunk.  I've had about all of this good shit I can handle.

He's so deaf, he can't hear himself fart.

If frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses when they land.

He's so tight that his ass squeaks when he walks.

I'd like to have two of those coats. One to shit on, and the other to cover it up with.

She'd f*%k a snake if you'd hold its head.

He was like a blind dog in a meat house.

He's so thin-skinned, it's just barely enough to keep him from bleeding to death.

You’re just offering me one beer?  Do those things come like dead men, one to a box?

He'd drive a wooden Indian crazy.

I'm so tickled I can't get my leg down.

She had a voice that would chip paint.

I'm not saying she's ugly, but I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

In response to "have a good one," or "have a nice one," the answer is: "I already have a good one. I'd just like a bigger one (or a tighter one)."

He's so weak, he couldn't pull a sick whore off a douche pot.

Her cooking is so bad, I'd rather had a cold scab sandwich and a glass of snot.

My allergies are so bad, my nose is running faster than I can eat it.

Don't let your bulldog mouth overload your hummingbird ass.

If that was my kid, I'd kill him and tell God he died.

She claims she's middle-aged, but she's been around since Jesus was a baby.

We go back a long way.  I've known him since dirt was new.

It's raining cats and dogs.  I should know.  I just stepped in a poodle.

Madder than a queer with tonsillitis on Valentine's Day.

I know you cain't help bein ugly...but you could at least stayed home.

She's swellin' up like a big ol' dawg!

You know I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd.

For hundreds more Redneck Sayings be sure to get our
book available in book stores everywhere and Amazon.com.

That coffee is too thick to drink and too thin to plow.

That makes my ass want a dip of snuff.

If Madonna was performing in my back yard, I'd draw the drapes.

He was farting like a pack mule.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Tell him I said for him to go pound salt up his ass with a wire brush.

He's as nellie as pink ink, but give him a ball of twine and a box of hairpins and he could rebuild Versailles.

He's so skinny, he's only got one stripe on his pajamas.

Built like a brick shit house

Howzyurmamaenthem?

God made that there person as uuuugly as He could 'n then kick 'em in the face!

I gotta piss like a russian race horse at the kentucky derby with a glue truck behind him.

The fish stinks from the head down.

You look like ten pounds of smashed assholes packed into a 5 pound bag.

Thats bout as dumb as lighting a match in a sealed room with ol grandma fartbags.

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn while standing inside with the windows shut.

(re: a dumb person) A couple of bubbles off 'plumb'.

Dumb as a cabbage.

Dumb as a fencepost.

Dumber than a barrel of spit and half as useful.

It was a long time ago, way back when I was knee-high to nothin'.

just because your cat had her kittens in the oven doesn't make them muffins.

He's the meanest old bastard who ever shit behind shoe leather.

The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a hook in it.

He was banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.

i'll be back in a few, I have to drop the browns off at the super bowl.

He's slower than a two legged coon dog on a monday mornin.

Don't hate me 'cause i'm beautiful, hate me 'cause yer boyfriend thinks so!!

That boy's as country as a baked bean sandwich!

Always remember, you will go to Hell for lying just as well stealing.

She is pruder than a new sheep on the farm.

It's colder than a polar bears toe nails.

Cooler than a cat covered in puke.

He's almost as smart as people say he thinks he is.

Boy, when you got nuthin' to say, you say it.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. or as my uncle would say, it's cold enough to freeze the brass off a bald monkey...

I locked that thing up tighter than Casey's nuts.

About as sharp as a rat turd on both ends.

Wishing and hoping don't get you any toys on Christmas.

That made me happpy'er than a tornado in a trailer park.

She was so ugly, she could have trick or treated over the telephone.

That boy's momma shoulda hit him in the head and sold the milk!

I'd eat the corn out of her shit.

I'd drink her bath water.

It ain't nothing but a piss ant in the big ant hill of life.

Every day is just a role of the dice, and snake eyes is just a way of life.

Scared money don't win, boys.

For hundreds more Redneck Sayings be sure to get our
book available in book stores everywhere and Amazon.com.

** When submitting a saying, please don't knowingly send us jokes by well-known comedians. We can't use their material on our site and usually it's not quite the same as what we're looking for anyway. Thanks for understanding!

 

 

REDNECK WORDS OF WISDOM © 2005 JAIMIE MUEHLHAUSEN
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